Stephanie Lee

Staying au courant via Fox news

Since those last two posts were way too interospective and cereberal, here’s a good link to something totally ridiculous. Enjoy.

A little more on names

Back to names: Since I’m a total hypocrite like the rest of you—as I sit here namecalling my ex/current/semicurrent nebulous boyfriendouchbag figures—my friend Natalie and I were discussing the sweet names that we’d like our ex/current/semicurrent nebulous boyfriendouchbag figures to coo us with.

Because really (and I say this quite often, just to confirm its veracity), all I really want is a semi attractive and mildly sane person who gives me loads and loads of attention and calls me pet names. But only, of course, pet names that I like. Use the wrong one, and it’s game over.

me: I do understand
that I am often unreasonable
ca va sans dire
and i can’t expect someone
to meet all of my ridiculous needs
because I am extremely cray cray
but I don’t like feeling like I am batshit insane
I want someone who will just say that is unreasonable, but you are not crazy honey.
I just want the boy to call me sweetie and honey
not babe
i fucking hate babe
Natalie: i think that is a reasonable request
haha you hate babe?
yea so do i actually
me: ugh babe is so…
it’s just so gross.
Natalie: yea it sounds trashy
i get kid, honey or freckles from bernard
Sent at 3:34 PM on Thursday
me: FRECKLES!
omg so cute!
Sent at 3:37 PM on Thursday
Natalie: haha yea that one was me influenced
we were watching lost
and one of the characters calls the main girl freckles
and i said i liked the nickname
so he started calling it
me: oooooooooh
Sent at 3:39 PM on Thursday
me: that one is cute.
I would also like string bean
if I were tall and skinny
or any fruit works
clementine
grape
hi grape
goodnight grape
goodnight musk melon.
Natalie: haha musk melon
how about canteloup
me: sure.

Word to the wise, douchebags.

Call a spade a spade

When my friend was recounting a therapy session yesterday, it occured to me that we always give our potential dating prospects (and outright boyfriends even) terrible monikers. Friend’s therapist suggested that maybe we do this because we are, in some subconscious way, closing the guy off. That we won’t call him by his first name—despite knowing it—is in some sense, a sign of reject.

Eh. I don’t know. That’s giving our simple-minded selves (my friend and me, that is—not the rest of you) a little too much credit here. I don’t call the guys I date by their first names because they’re douchebags. It’s not like I’m marrying any of them. For all intents and purposes, they will all become the same thing: an ex of some sort.

Besides, these nicknames distinguish the lot of them way better than an actual name. Nicks, Matts, and Bens are so totally fucking ubiquitous that effectively, they’re totally useless as identifying information.

For your enjoyment, you can get an intimate look at some of the names we’ve come up with in the past. Here are a few all-time favorites:

The old guy: Any guy more than 8 years older than us. Admittedly, this one is getting a bit overused and nebulous as the socially acceptable age gap for dating is becoming wider and wider.

S-guy: Guy with a very complex ethnic name that starts with an S. We know his name. He’s a douchebag.

J-guy: Jewish guy. Duh.

The cardiologist: The irony of this one is that this guy was doing his residency. He wasn’t even an f-ing cardiologist, but he introduced himself as one to get more girls. I guess the “cardiologist” is more appropriate here. Let’s play fair.

Autism: All kinds of awkward here. Sometimes I was dating a guy. Sometimes it was a vaccuum cleaner. Other times he resembled a seal.

British guy: We live in New York. This guy lives in London. That’s it. Game over.

Wet mop: The only conversation we could ever make was of the drink list and the dinner menu. A total wet mop.

All for now.

On How to Reject a Sandwich:

Christopher: OH MAN
look at what my proff wrote
"We are meeting at 12. Why don’t you come around 12.15 – shall we bring you a sandwich?"
thats aeomse
me: that is SO AWESOME!
ask your prof out on a date
be like
'funny you ask, I really love it when my partners have practical knowledge such as making me a sandwich. Are you free this Friday evening?"
Christopher: haha
hes british dude
that alwasy weares shirts
in some way
they are long
but maybe he doesnt bottom correctly
b/c his sotmach always shows
me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
OMGOMGOMG
pleASE
PLEAR STOTESP STOP
I AM CRACKING UP
IF MY BOSSPERSON HEARS ME
SHE WILL REASSIGN ME TASKS
Sent at 3: 37 PM on Wednesday
Christopher: hahaa
how do irespond
to an offer of a sandwich
"That works great for me Professor. Thank you for your kind offer, but I think I could just eat before or after
somethign soethign?
Christopher: yeah brah
okay shold eat lunch
me: you sound like a bounty hunter
when you say that
no
Christopher: hahah
me: tell your stomach baring professor
to make you a goddamn sandwich
it's the least he can do.
Christopher: haha
thats so weird
me: whatever
Christopher: NEWAYS
me: take what you can get
brah
Christopher: u gypsy
me: word
Christopher: yo
can i put a smiley face
in this email to the proff
or this FUCKEN GAY
me: NO!
Christopher: ok
me: omg
Christopher: its a hilarious offer
to me
me: imagine if you didn't have me as a friend
Christopher: a fucke n sandiwhc
me: that's really sweet!
Christopher: no i dnt want ur british ass sandwich
me: I would take the sandwich
Christopher: i ain POOR
me: he clearly has no kids
and is projecting on you
Christopher:
Thanks for your kind offer, but my schedule is flexible and I can eat after our meeting
me: i love free.
NOOOOOOOO
just be like
Christopher: what IM DECLINING
im not eating wgiht them
all over my cmputer and notes
me: 'Oh! That's so kind, but I actually already had lunch. I'll see you in a bit'
Christopher: NO
this is friday
me: actually you wouldn't say kind
oh
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Christopher: yeah
me: AWKWARD
Christopher: OH!
WOW!
AH!
give me the senstece
me: okay just say
Christopher: for after thanks for your kind offer
dammit
me: "I actually have lunch plans with a friend beforehand
but thanks for the offer.
Christopher: no
me: WHY NOT.
are you meeting at 8AM?
Christopher: 12
noon
me: just say
Christopher: thanks for the kidn offer..
me: I have plans to eat with a friend after
DUDE
Christopher: but i can eat after
me: JUST TAKE THE FUCKING SANDWICH
Christopher: no fuck you
me: fine.
Christopher: it prolly has mad cow
me: just say
Christopher: or some shit
me: you have
so much pride
that you can't even
take a sandwich
from your professor
this is
obscene.
Christopher: hahaha
me: i doubt it has mad cow.
ok fine
Christopher: im doing this
Thanks for your kind offer, but my schedule is flexible and I can eat after our meeting : )
me: NO HAPPY FACE
Christopher: yup im doing it
IM DOING IT
me: don't even offer an excuse
NO
NO
WAIT
Just say "Oh no, I won't be needing lunch, but thanks. See you Friday"
keep it brief.
Christopher: ohkay
thats good
me: don't snub him with your flexible schedule bs
wow.
he probably wasn't even serious about making you a sandwich
Christopher: yeah
me: and look how much thought went into rejecting him.
you are a kind soul.
Christopher: who NEEDS
a sandwich
ever
me: uhhh
Christopher: i cant say oh i wont be NEEding one
me: I like sandwich.
HAHAAH
who cares
Christopher: wdf
me: just say it
OK
people in ethiopia
Christopher: i wont require
a sandwich
me: definitely NEED sandwiches
same thing
just say
"Oh don't worry about lunch, but thanks. I'll see you Friday!"
he's probably just saying that
bc he's going to be eating in front of you
and doesn't want to look like a douche
that's the only reason
so just say whatever
Christopher: That works great for me Professor.
Oh I won't be needing lunch, but thanks for the kind offer
I will see you at 1215 and thanks again,
good?
me: dont thank him twice.
"I will see you at 1215!"
Christopher: exclaimation point?
SENT
with it
me: yeah sound excited you lazy RA
Christopher: oaky done
me: bc you clearly have done nothing
ok
good.
jesus.
Christopher: okay. im gald that crisis was averted
me: me too.

Christopher: oh
yeah
okay new topic.
did u watch public enemies
me: no
what is that
Christopher: DUDE
what is wrong iwht u
its the new johnny depp moive
about john dillenger
me: oh ugh
no i haven't seen it!
is it good?
i want to watch the hangover
Christopher: its pretty good
DUDE
WHAT?
this is how i kow u dont have freinds
hanogver was awesome
u need to find normal freinds
our age
who do things liek watch hangover
me: i hate you.

me: oh you mean like
hippie liberal douchebag
yeah I would say I am a hippie liberal douchebag.
Christopher: yeah yeah
exactly!

My sister interviews me before a date. A dose of nostalgia. (No audio.)

my childhood friend in response to my podcast:

Christopher: i found that way toooo funny
ur sister must be enterainted
like 100% of the time
by ur craziness
i will put this on my high ppl website
and send u traffic

[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

My first podcast. Very shitty, but I made it myself.

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