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A little more on names

Back to names: Since I’m a total hypocrite like the rest of you—as I sit here namecalling my ex/current/semicurrent nebulous boyfriendouchbag figures—my friend Natalie and I were discussing the sweet names that we’d like our ex/current/semicurrent nebulous boyfriendouchbag figures to coo us with.

Because really (and I say this quite often, just to confirm its veracity), all I really want is a semi attractive and mildly sane person who gives me loads and loads of attention and calls me pet names. But only, of course, pet names that I like. Use the wrong one, and it’s game over.

me: I do understand
that I am often unreasonable
ca va sans dire
and i can’t expect someone
to meet all of my ridiculous needs
because I am extremely cray cray
but I don’t like feeling like I am batshit insane
I want someone who will just say that is unreasonable, but you are not crazy honey.
I just want the boy to call me sweetie and honey
not babe
i fucking hate babe
Natalie: i think that is a reasonable request
haha you hate babe?
yea so do i actually
me: ugh babe is so…
it’s just so gross.
Natalie: yea it sounds trashy
i get kid, honey or freckles from bernard
Sent at 3:34 PM on Thursday
me: FRECKLES!
omg so cute!
Sent at 3:37 PM on Thursday
Natalie: haha yea that one was me influenced
we were watching lost
and one of the characters calls the main girl freckles
and i said i liked the nickname
so he started calling it
me: oooooooooh
Sent at 3:39 PM on Thursday
me: that one is cute.
I would also like string bean
if I were tall and skinny
or any fruit works
clementine
grape
hi grape
goodnight grape
goodnight musk melon.
Natalie: haha musk melon
how about canteloup
me:  sure.

Word to the wise, douchebags.
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Call a spade a spade

When my friend was recounting a therapy session yesterday, it occured to me that we always give our potential dating prospects (and outright boyfriends even) terrible monikers. Friend’s therapist suggested that maybe we do this because we are, in some subconscious way, closing the guy off. That we won’t call him by his first name—despite knowing it—is in some sense, a sign of reject.

Eh. I don’t know. That’s giving our simple-minded selves (my friend and me, that is—not the rest of you) a little too much credit here. I don’t call the guys I date by their first names because they’re douchebags. It’s not like I’m marrying any of them. For all intents and purposes, they will all become the same thing: an ex of some sort.

Besides, these nicknames distinguish the lot of them way better than an actual name. Nicks, Matts, and Bens are so totally fucking ubiquitous that effectively, they’re totally useless as identifying information.

For your enjoyment, you can get an intimate look at some of the names we’ve come up with in the past. Here are a few all-time favorites:

The old guy: Any guy more than 8 years older than us. Admittedly, this one is getting a bit overused and nebulous as the socially acceptable age gap for dating is becoming wider and wider.

S-guy: Guy with a very complex ethnic name that starts with an S. We know his name. He’s a douchebag.

J-guy: Jewish guy. Duh.

The cardiologist: The irony of this one is that this guy was doing his residency. He wasn’t even an f-ing cardiologist, but he introduced himself as one to get more girls. I guess the “cardiologist” is more appropriate here. Let’s play fair.

Autism: All kinds of awkward here. Sometimes I was dating a guy. Sometimes it was a vaccuum cleaner. Other times he resembled a seal.

British guy: We live in New York. This guy lives in London. That’s it. Game over.

Wet mop: The only conversation we could ever make was of the drink list and the dinner menu. A total wet mop.

All for now.

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On How to Reject a Sandwich:

  • Christopher: OH MAN
  • look at what my proff wrote
  • "We are meeting at 12. Why don’t you come around 12.15 – shall we bring you a sandwich?"
  • thats aeomse
  • me: that is SO AWESOME!
  • ask your prof out on a date
  • be like
  • 'funny you ask, I really love it when my partners have practical knowledge such as making me a sandwich. Are you free this Friday evening?"
  • Christopher: haha
  • hes british dude
  • that alwasy weares shirts
  • in some way
  • they are long
  • but maybe he doesnt bottom correctly
  • b/c his sotmach always shows
  • me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
  • OMGOMGOMG
  • pleASE
  • PLEAR STOTESP STOP
  • I AM CRACKING UP
  • IF MY BOSSPERSON HEARS ME
  • SHE WILL REASSIGN ME TASKS
  • Sent at 3: 37 PM on Wednesday
  • Christopher: hahaa
  • how do irespond
  • to an offer of a sandwich
  • "That works great for me Professor. Thank you for your kind offer, but I think I could just eat before or after
  • somethign soethign?
  • Christopher: yeah brah
  • okay shold eat lunch
  • me: you sound like a bounty hunter
  • when you say that
  • no
  • Christopher: hahah
  • me: tell your stomach baring professor
  • to make you a goddamn sandwich
  • it's the least he can do.
  • Christopher: haha
  • thats so weird
  • me: whatever
  • Christopher: NEWAYS
  • me: take what you can get
  • brah
  • Christopher: u gypsy
  • me: word
  • Christopher: yo
  • can i put a smiley face
  • in this email to the proff
  • or this FUCKEN GAY
  • me: NO!
  • Christopher: ok
  • me: omg
  • Christopher: its a hilarious offer
  • to me
  • me: imagine if you didn't have me as a friend
  • Christopher: a fucke n sandiwhc
  • me: that's really sweet!
  • Christopher: no i dnt want ur british ass sandwich
  • me: I would take the sandwich
  • Christopher: i ain POOR
  • me: he clearly has no kids
  • and is projecting on you
  • Christopher:
  • Thanks for your kind offer, but my schedule is flexible and I can eat after our meeting
  • me: i love free.
  • NOOOOOOOO
  • just be like
  • Christopher: what IM DECLINING
  • im not eating wgiht them
  • all over my cmputer and notes
  • me: 'Oh! That's so kind, but I actually already had lunch. I'll see you in a bit'
  • Christopher: NO
  • this is friday
  • me: actually you wouldn't say kind
  • oh
  • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
  • Christopher: yeah
  • me: AWKWARD
  • Christopher: OH!
  • WOW!
  • AH!
  • give me the senstece
  • me: okay just say
  • Christopher: for after thanks for your kind offer
  • dammit
  • me: "I actually have lunch plans with a friend beforehand
  • but thanks for the offer.
  • Christopher: no
  • me: WHY NOT.
  • are you meeting at 8AM?
  • Christopher: 12
  • noon
  • me: just say
  • Christopher: thanks for the kidn offer..
  • me: I have plans to eat with a friend after
  • DUDE
  • Christopher: but i can eat after
  • me: JUST TAKE THE FUCKING SANDWICH
  • Christopher: no fuck you
  • me: fine.
  • Christopher: it prolly has mad cow
  • me: just say
  • Christopher: or some shit
  • me: you have
  • so much pride
  • that you can't even
  • take a sandwich
  • from your professor
  • this is
  • obscene.
  • Christopher: hahaha
  • me: i doubt it has mad cow.
  • ok fine
  • Christopher: im doing this
  • Thanks for your kind offer, but my schedule is flexible and I can eat after our meeting : )
  • me: NO HAPPY FACE
  • Christopher: yup im doing it
  • IM DOING IT
  • me: don't even offer an excuse
  • NO
  • NO
  • WAIT
  • Just say "Oh no, I won't be needing lunch, but thanks. See you Friday"
  • keep it brief.
  • Christopher: ohkay
  • thats good
  • me: don't snub him with your flexible schedule bs
  • wow.
  • he probably wasn't even serious about making you a sandwich
  • Christopher: yeah
  • me: and look how much thought went into rejecting him.
  • you are a kind soul.
  • Christopher: who NEEDS
  • a sandwich
  • ever
  • me: uhhh
  • Christopher: i cant say oh i wont be NEEding one
  • me: I like sandwich.
  • HAHAAH
  • who cares
  • Christopher: wdf
  • me: just say it
  • OK
  • people in ethiopia
  • Christopher: i wont require
  • a sandwich
  • me: definitely NEED sandwiches
  • same thing
  • just say
  • "Oh don't worry about lunch, but thanks. I'll see you Friday!"
  • he's probably just saying that
  • bc he's going to be eating in front of you
  • and doesn't want to look like a douche
  • that's the only reason
  • so just say whatever
  • Christopher: That works great for me Professor.
  • Oh I won't be needing lunch, but thanks for the kind offer
  • I will see you at 1215 and thanks again,
  • good?
  • me: dont thank him twice.
  • "I will see you at 1215!"
  • Christopher: exclaimation point?
  • SENT
  • with it
  • me: yeah sound excited you lazy RA
  • Christopher: oaky done
  • me: bc you clearly have done nothing
  • ok
  • good.
  • jesus.
  • Christopher: okay. im gald that crisis was averted
  • me: me too.
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  • Christopher: oh
  • yeah
  • okay new topic.
  • did u watch public enemies
  • me: no
  • what is that
  • Christopher: DUDE
  • what is wrong iwht u
  • its the new johnny depp moive
  • about john dillenger
  • me: oh ugh
  • no i haven't seen it!
  • is it good?
  • i want to watch the hangover
  • Christopher: its pretty good
  • DUDE
  • WHAT?
  • this is how i kow u dont have freinds
  • hanogver was awesome
  • u need to find normal freinds
  • our age
  • who do things liek watch hangover
  • me: i hate you.
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  • me: oh you mean like
  • hippie liberal douchebag
  • yeah I would say I am a hippie liberal douchebag.
  • Christopher: yeah yeah
  • exactly!
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My sister interviews me before a date. A dose of nostalgia. (No audio.)

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my childhood friend in response to my podcast:

  • Christopher: i found that way toooo funny
  • ur sister must be enterainted
  • like 100% of the time
  • by ur craziness
  • i will put this on my high ppl website
  • and send u traffic
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[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]

My first podcast. Very shitty, but I made it myself.

×    32 notes
beautiful

Genetic Stair by Caliper Studio of Brooklyn is composed materially of polished stainless steel, white translucent Corian and low-iron glass. At home in the Manhattan apartment of two art collectors, it stands free from any wall, supported only at the top and bottom.
(via notcot / We Heart Stuff)

beautiful

Genetic Stair by Caliper Studio of Brooklyn is composed materially of polished stainless steel, white translucent Corian and low-iron glass. At home in the Manhattan apartment of two art collectors, it stands free from any wall, supported only at the top and bottom.

(via notcot / We Heart Stuff)



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